Conflicts in Marriages/Partnerships

Many of the couples I see have a common issue they present with. They have been together/married for a few years and they notice that they keep having the same fights over and over again. These conflicts never seem to resolve. Whatever the context or situation, they pop up without fail and the couple is frustrated. What they don't voice is that they are also afraid of what these unresolved conflicts possibly mean for the future of their relationship.

Conflicts in relationships are voices for unhealed underlying issues between partners. 'What' couples fight about isn't as important as the unvoiced feelings that they are trying to express through these conflicts. As Esther Perel states, often the root cause is about the lack of affection, respect or power felt by a partner within the relationship. One of the behaviors often seen during these conflicts is using phrases such as 'always' and 'never'. Sound familiar? "You are always over-ride me in my decisions" or "You never acknowledge the work I do in this house". Absolutes do not occur in nature, yet, these phrases of always and never routinely come up when two partners are having a solid fight with each other. What couples fail to express in these conflicts and what might be a game changer for the relationship is an expression of the lack of validation they feel from their partner for their hurt feelings.

One possible reason for these hurt feelings might be due to a betrayal of trust at a critical moment in the couples relationship. Say, a wife expected her husband to stand up for her in at a significant moment of their married life for an issue she felt strongly about, but for some reason, he chose to side with his parents. The wife's belief that she can rely on her husband is shaken at that moment and unless this issue is addressed thoroughly, will continue to be unsteady throughout the relationship. Thereafter, all situations will be judged by the lack of dependability he displayed when needed. The betrayal or feeling of abandonment felt by the wife is termed an attachment injury. Unless explicitly addressed in therapy, such wounds can last through the lifetime of a relationship, causing conflict and perpetuating distrust within it.

Therapy can be a venue where couples are able to learn how to communicate their deepest feelings with each other, thereby eliminating the need for unnecessary conflict. Most people have not had great models of marriage to look upto for guidance. Marriage models in which our parents/caregivers communicated vulnerably, expressing emotions and thoughts to each other are rare. Perhaps, you grew up with parents who communicated about basic household and parenting issues; there was no sharing of feelings, especially never in front of you. It is not surprising thus that as partners/spouses, you seldom are able to share what you are truly feeling with your spouses/partners. Unconsciously, you find that you have been playing the role of a spouse similar to the one you saw your parents or other significant adults play in their relationship. However, with changing times, the relationship you have is no longer the relationship that your parents had. The expectations, the work pressures, the social setup, the demands on yourself and on your spouse are different. This is why it becomes essential that couples take the time to learn how to communicate deeply and honestly. Couples therapy can help you immeasurably in this.

Do not wait till things are beyond help. Please give your relationship and yourself a chance to have a fulfilling relationship.

Link to Esther Perel article: https://www.estherperel.com/blog/how-to-fix-the-fights-youre-sick-of-having