Boundaries - Why are they important?

Boundaries are an important and integral part of successful relationships. I believe boundaries are guidelines that we set for ourselves that define what we feel comfortable with and how we would like to be treated by others. As such, boundaries are our way of telling others what our limits are in different areas that help us feel safe and respected. There are different types of boundaries. For example, physical boundaries are how comfortable we are with regards to touch and physical closeness with others. This will vary depending on the relationship you have with different people. Communicating this clearly is especially important in relationships which are often just starting out, such as romantic relationships or professional relationships.

On the other hand, there are emotional boundaries which are often left unvoiced but deeply felt when not respected. Between partners, a lack of communication regarding emotional boundaries can mean the difference between a healthy and successful relationship vs one that is not. An example of an emotional boundary could be one partner divulging a secret that their partner shared with them to a family member. Or one partner making fun of the other partner in groups even when the other partner has communicated how uncomfortable it makes them feel. These are examples of one partner not respecting the trust their partner has placed in them or not respecting their partner as an individual. There also exist digital boundaries in relationships, especially in today's digital age. Posting pictures online that one partner is not comfortable with is a clear violation of a digital boundary, or publishing a controversial post regarding a family member without their consent can be equally hurtful.

Reading the content above makes it clear that underlying boundaries are a few key concepts - communication, respect and trust. Whatever the nature of a relationship - filial, romantic etc. - communication of one's boundaries is key. A partner cannot know your boundaries unless you tell them clearly what they are. We expect our partners to be mind-readers, but sadly, none of us have this skill. So do not assume that your partner or family member knows your boundaries. Communicate clearly in a calm and assertive manner.

If your partner or family member follows the boundaries you set, it is a sign of respect and a strengthening of trust within the relationship. Similarly, we have to be open to respecting boundaries that our family members set for themselves. If a person does not respect your boundaries despite clear communication, then perhaps it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs work.

Remember, one's boundaries should never be intended to hurt others; they are about making you feel safe and respected, not imposing your will on others. If your partner is asking you to do something that you are not comfortable with, it is perhaps a sign that you both need to sit down and talk about underlying concerns that each of you has regarding the issue to reach a mutually acceptable solution. For example, if your partner insists on you not socializing with your friends, try to understand underlying concerns. Is it just jealousy, or has your partner been feeling ignored and under-appreciated? Can you work out some space for yourself while repairing your relationship as well?

Lastly, just as we evolve with time due to accumulated experiences, boundaries can change. As time goes by, we change, our relationships change, and therefore our boundaries can change too. What remains constant is the need to communicate within our relationships so that we continue to foster trust and respect within them.